Being reminded to continue writing my blog. I looked back the last post, it was 2 weeks before.

Update here...

I switched my place to another Bedok area. The house was windy and sometimes me and my roommate felt cold even in the middle of our sleeps. The room was not small, enough for us to sleep and move around. The landlady was not very friendly so we decided to ignore her poker face and just go on our activities. I am luckily actually cause every weekend my roommate will go back to JB leaving me alone. I love and enjoy being alone.

I got a smartphone finally! With 12GB data plan which means that i can online 24 hours using my phone IF the line is always in perfect mode. Signing a 2 years contract with 700 minutes plan per month ended up the new phone only costs $148. Super cheap.

I had an argument with J last night. I just have no idea what i want. Messy mind i think. Afraid of been commited yet loving the way he treats me. Well, there is no free lunch, i know. Everything comes with a pay.  I've been focusing too much on him, job and me myself. Not achieving a spritually, mentally and physically balance pulled me to the edge of the room. So he is unlucky cause i exploded last night. Poor dear..is good too to let him know my dark side.

Again, stop asking what i want and what i am thinking. Cause i've no idea too. And i don't know how to cope with it when it is involving with J too. I can't think of a best way other than silent.

I think is time for him to read it.

This time when i saw ppl posting on the facebook especially for the holiday breaks, i won't feel self pity. Not like last time election season. I think i am adapting to Singapore mood. Knowing that the latest holiday here is their independence day.

I moved to the new place a week ago. The place is very nice, very clean. Not noisy, i can sleep for whole night without been waking up. But still need to get use to the hot weather here. I started to get use to not afraid of cold. I wore singlet, sleeveless and i cannot stand wearing jacket. At times still  have bad mood because of office matters but at least i'm not so emotional like before. I can control it. Won't simply cry for here and there.  Started to hang in around with friends during weekend, and it's always is a whole day fun trip.

Things with J went quite smoothly with blessed, we prayed for each other in the ph and now we are applying reading bible on a daily basic. Monitoring and motivating each other to read bible. Is kinda good way for me, i think for him too. I like been watching. No one done this for me for quite a long time. Always i am the one who do the monitoring job. It turns around this time so i really enjoyed it.

I am in a dilemma.
Somehow, i know i'm not totally ready yet. Rushing into another relationship in a hasty way will only destroy both of us again.
Friends, pls pray for me. Pray for the wisdom to deal with him, for he's still not a firm Christian. I'm afraid what i do will make him confused.
I want him to live through the life with all the blessings from God, but not from me.
I want him to focus on Him but not me.
I want him to know that all the peacefulness and happiness can only be granted by Him but not me.
He needs time to accept the truth of his weakness that one i know, but i am afraid he will look for hopes from me which i can never do for him. I have no hope for any one out there. It is the power of Him to give hope.
I want him to learn to love himself not because of someone loved him but because of he is His son, the unique son for Him no matter how people look at him.
I want him to be able to go through all ups and downs with Him but not rely on me. I'm mortal. Who knows when i will leaving.
I want him to have the blind faith that no matter how bad the situation, there is sure hopes from Him but not from me.
What i can do for him is to assist him to get to know His blessings.  To know His words. To remind him how good Our God is and bring him to Him, let him accept the salvation from Him genuinely.

Someone who loves God is the one that i'm looking for. Other than this, i'd rather be single for the rest of my life.

When You Kiss Me

Special dedicate to the one that i loved.


Shania Twain - When You Kiss Me

This could be it I think I'm in love
It's love this time
It just seems to fit I think I'm in love
This love is mine
I can see you with me when I'm older
All my lonely night are finally over
You took the weight of the world off my
shoulders (the world just goes away)
Oh when you kiss me
I know you miss me
and when you're with me
The world just goes away
The way you hold me
The way you show me
that you adore me--oh when you kiss me
Oh yeah
You are the one I think I'm in love
Life has begun
I can see the two of us together
I know I'm gonna be with you forever
Love couldn't be any better
Oh when you kiss me
I know you miss me
and when you're with me
The world just goes away
The way you hold me
The way you show me
that you adore me--oh the world goes away
And when you kiss me
I know you miss me
When you kiss me
Oh the world just goes away

I miss you so much.
Every time i went back from meeting you from Kuching,
i would cry.
Like now.

I miss you a lot a lot.
A feeling that is indescribable.
i feel like wanna stay in Kuching to be with you.
So that i won't suffer the pain of missing someone that i love!

It's been so long, long enough to let me forget that kinda feeling.
I can't figure out what is the problem at first.
but then think carefully, it sounds familiar.
It was worrying.
That really makes me loss.
Tears well up my eyes when i realized what's wrong with me.
I put on sun glass when driving to cover my red eyes.
Sitting alone at the corner of the round table when meeting.
Trying to focus on what the president was talking about.
Sneak away after the meeting cause afraid been call to go lim teh.

I have no mood at all.



I need sleep.

久违了的 不好受

到底把自己坦诚摆在他面前是对的吗？

我重视他，所以把一切都告知他。

是因为这样吗？
所以他也用了好长的时间来评估我们的感情？

知道他是一位在感情上不马虎的人，更可以称是挑剔。
我还是告诉他我的不好。
原因无它。
就希望他是在没有充满不公平的情况下做出他的决定。

今晚也一样。
我觉得我应该让他懂我的问题，我的想法，
而不是把自己丑陋的一面给藏起来。

可能让他知道这些真的会影响我们的感情。
可我不管了，我宁愿他早知好过最后一个懂。
原谅我的自私，因为我不想自欺欺人。

临别前，我听出了你那久违了的冷哼。
心也跌入谷底了。
我做错了吗？
还是根本就是错误的开始？
还是 是我想太多？

Dear...

I stopped myself to think of any possibility that we might be together. I'm afraid to face the fate that 1 day we may be apart. So i always psycho myself not to think of you, cause u might not be the right 1. I know u must be blur and think that gals are so troublesome! Today say this and this but just in a second turn to the other way round!

Yes, sometimes i do find myself a little bit of "not honest to myself"! I always try to hide those bad feelings underneath my heart hoping that i'll forget it one day. It doesn't works. It's not the way to solve it. I knew it! But i just can't find a better solution for it! That's why i can't tell you some of the things cause i myself don't even know what i really want!! How am i gonna tell you then??

I was trying not to do the same mistakes again like what i had done to Stanley. Checking his ph's records, reading his messages, jealous with the gals who are so close with him, do all these like i'm a crazy and desperate housewife waiting for my deceitful husband to come back to my side! What a stupid and silly gal!!! And i don't want to have that kinda feeling again from another guy. I'm sick of all that sucks feeling! So i chose to not to involve in any of your activities, don't want to ask where have u been, who u with, who u are calling or messaging with, or why u din message me, why u din reply me.......i would rather don't want to know it. I'm sorry. I'm not manja u, i just don't want to repeat the same story again. Same scene, same fight, same harsh words...

All these thought came out from the new that Shirley will gonna move in to your house and share her life with you soon.

See, am not as good as what u think. The real me is so evil

What do i want?

I just want a simple life.
I want a guy that loves me.
A guy with a job that he loves,
but not too ambitious. (i know i'm selfish...)
I want a simple relationship.
A relationship that won't burden me!
I try to picture my future,
but i see no one there for me right now!

Perhaps,
single is the most suitable status for me right now.
It's hard.
Really really hard for me to make any decision now!

A Battle of relationship

Went back to sibu for 2 days already, nothing much changed here.
Just the feeling of being home was not the same as previous.
Keep on struggling...
What makes me think of going out from here??
I have no idea...
I still remember my initial plan is after graduate, i'll find a job in Sibu, then can live a happy and relax life with all the loves one.

Is it because of him?
Is it?
If he never appear in my life, would i still want to leave Sibu?
I might feel comfortable just be in Sibu...
I think so.

But i feel lonely in Sibu.
Yes, i know i got my family here.
But i want someone that really knows me
Knows everything about me,
everything!

Friends said that i can always made wise decision in many things,
except my love relationship.
I'll become an idiot.

That's the reason i kept on thinking about where to stay.
I don't want to make any decision only because of him.
I don't want to follow my heart this time.
I'm scare i'll do the same mistake again.
Even though he had told me just think of what i want!

But life is not that simple!