This time when i saw ppl posting on the facebook especially for the holiday breaks, i won't feel self pity. Not like last time election season. I think i am adapting to Singapore mood. Knowing that the latest holiday here is their independence day.

I moved to the new place a week ago. The place is very nice, very clean. Not noisy, i can sleep for whole night without been waking up. But still need to get use to the hot weather here. I started to get use to not afraid of cold. I wore singlet, sleeveless and i cannot stand wearing jacket. At times still  have bad mood because of office matters but at least i'm not so emotional like before. I can control it. Won't simply cry for here and there.  Started to hang in around with friends during weekend, and it's always is a whole day fun trip.

Things with J went quite smoothly with blessed, we prayed for each other in the ph and now we are applying reading bible on a daily basic. Monitoring and motivating each other to read bible. Is kinda good way for me, i think for him too. I like been watching. No one done this for me for quite a long time. Always i am the one who do the monitoring job. It turns around this time so i really enjoyed it.

人心难测。
尔虞我诈。
谁是谁非无人知晓。
不能喜欢，也不能讨厌。
保持中立是必须，由不得自主。
不计较，是唯一的出路。
不让负面有机会浮现，唯有努力坚持。
不能消化的，唯有以泪消化。
不愿与君分享，就怕那是另外的陷阱。
思几此，恐惧没来由的涌上心。
依赖是我怕的字眼，对自己，也对别人。
清心是我该追求的。

I'll be moving later in the morning.
This is the 1st time i move my place in Sg (not including the 1st time moving to Singapore)
I kinda reluctant to move.
Not because i like my place now, is because i don't really enjoy adapting new environment and new people. I need to reschedule my daily time.
I need to recount again how long it takes to reach my office.
How long the bus will arrive?
I need to go to new church for Sunday service.
I need to look for new places to find food.
I need to remember the route to go and back from office.
I need to take MRT for the different direction from the previous one.
I need to get use to the new landlord and new tenant.
I need to love my new bed and new room.
I need to pack and unpack my luggage.
I need to find something to do to fill my no-internet-access time.
I need to update my new address with the bank.
I need to get to use the truth that i'm moving.

Overall i just don't like doing all this alone. It makes me feel like no way is my home.
I learn to get myself busy to not think of my personal fear about these.
And every night, the only reason that makes me sleep is tiredness.
No sense of belonging here. All the times.

I am in a dilemma.
Somehow, i know i'm not totally ready yet. Rushing into another relationship in a hasty way will only destroy both of us again.
Friends, pls pray for me. Pray for the wisdom to deal with him, for he's still not a firm Christian. I'm afraid what i do will make him confused.
I want him to live through the life with all the blessings from God, but not from me.
I want him to focus on Him but not me.
I want him to know that all the peacefulness and happiness can only be granted by Him but not me.
He needs time to accept the truth of his weakness that one i know, but i am afraid he will look for hopes from me which i can never do for him. I have no hope for any one out there. It is the power of Him to give hope.
I want him to learn to love himself not because of someone loved him but because of he is His son, the unique son for Him no matter how people look at him.
I want him to be able to go through all ups and downs with Him but not rely on me. I'm mortal. Who knows when i will leaving.
I want him to have the blind faith that no matter how bad the situation, there is sure hopes from Him but not from me.
What i can do for him is to assist him to get to know His blessings.  To know His words. To remind him how good Our God is and bring him to Him, let him accept the salvation from Him genuinely.

Someone who loves God is the one that i'm looking for. Other than this, i'd rather be single for the rest of my life.

分手，倒過來看就對了

誰說分手就得以淚洗面、傷心欲絕、自暴自棄？

你還有更好的方法穿越失戀黑暗期。

這是日本知名小說家仁成作品《再見，總有一天》中，女主角杳子追念多年前逝去戀曲的心聲。

雖然無法成為眷屬，至少在分手後，杳子仍保有纏綿悱惻的回憶。

但現實中，許多分手卻非如此寧靜美好：撕破臉、惡言相向，甚至還有「情人看刀」的悲劇。

分手，難道非得這麼傷？

「中國人喜歡說勸合不勸離，認為分手一定是負面的，」長期觀察台日兩性文化，著有《大分手》的作家劉黎兒指出，「但也有句老話『捨得』，要失去才能 得到新的， 勉強維持一段關係對雙方都是不健康，」她表示，日本人比較能坦然面對情感倦怠期，對分手也不會羞於啟齒，「其實分手和相愛一樣重要，如果更了解分手，雙方 都會好過很多，也比較不會出現分手暴力。」

除了少數惡意欺騙的動機，大部份人戀愛時都希望有個好結果，「激情當下只要相屬，過了之後就會想保有自主，親密關係開始發生衝突，」資深心理諮商 師、台灣心理衛生社會工作學會副理事長陳韺觀察，當問題處理不了就會想分手，「即使垂死掙扎想改善，但往往愈努力就愈執著、僵化，注定要失敗。」

如果關係生了病，與其互相折磨，爽快分手反而是一帖良藥，「最怕是走不下去又不承認失敗而劈腿，傷害更大，」陳韺說，而當關係出現傷害，例如暴力、限制行動，危害身心健康時，「絕對要分手，不要死心塌地陷在裡面。」

不要糾纏不清自貶身價

雖然失戀會「broken heart」（心碎），但在愛情之路上，失戀對自己或未來的真命天子都是珍貴的學習，「透過失戀，才知道自己到底想要什麼，什麼是不可或缺，什麼是多餘，」劉黎兒認為。

在愛情路上一帆風順的女人，往往無法理解別人的苦楚，但失戀過的女人，「會更懂得體貼、包容別人，珍惜得來不易的緣分，不會隨便揮霍感情，」她形容，失戀就像瘦身，能讓女人變得更有魅力，思想更凹凸有緻，更有女人味。

當然失戀真的很心酸，尤其被拋棄的人，往往會懷疑過去的相愛是假的，不甘願甚至想報復，「如果因為分手否定兩個人的過去，也等於毀掉自己的一段人 生，是很划不來的，」劉黎兒分析，就算是對方變心，「反而要慶幸自己想愛的時候有愛到，擁有過相愛的事實，很多時候你想愛一個人，對方是一點點也不願意接 受的。」

「分手其實是一個分號，你並沒有因此失去前面的感情，」她比喻，分了才能有新的邂逅，千萬不要拖拖拉拉，糾纏不清自貶身價。要趕快覺悟緣份已盡，對 方已經不懂得欣賞自己，在一起只會受傷害，分開才有機會認識替自己打高分的人，就像蟲蛀的大衣，如果不丟棄，只會害一櫥子的衣服跟著蛀掉。

不論你是想分手、剛失戀或一直走不出分手，請相信分手絕不是詛咒，「浪費時間在孽緣上真的是浪費生命，還不如用來尋覓那個真命天子，」影集〈慾望城 市〉顧問，《你 其實可以找到更好的他》作者葛瑞哥‧貝倫特一針見血地結論：「一切取決於你夠不夠愛自己，是否愛到願意面對戀曲已經走入死胡同的事實，拉自己一把，把握住 眼前更好的機會。」

從垂死、捨棄到新生，以下4道失戀處方，將幫你鼓起勇氣說再見，平復分手的傷痛，做好準備打開心、勇敢再愛！

1.分手潛伏期

自救指令：讓我們分了吧！

一段感情會走到分手，其實早有蛛絲馬跡，「當你知道感情已經無可救藥，不論花多少時間等待都是白費的，」資深心理諮商師，《分手療傷手冊》作者諾曼‧萊特指出，這樣只會延誤自我恢復，以下念頭浮現腦海時，就該慧劍斬情絲：

你想脫離這段關係的念頭比維持關係還要強烈。

雙方都想脫離關係，而不願下功夫維持關係。

為了能好好分手，避免成為彼此心中永遠的痛，遵守分手禮儀是必要的：

將心比心，但不要婦人之仁： 「提分手，一定會傷到對方的自信心，要體貼對方錯愕、難過的情緒，但不能因而哄他又說不分，」陳韺提醒。

態度要堅定，不要暗示或期待對方自動領悟你的意圖，也不要說「我們還可以是朋友」這種誤導的話。

客觀、不落井下石：

不要把分手的責任全推給對方，以自己的意願為訴求，而非攻擊對方的缺點，例如：因為你怎樣所以我不能接受。

「要把原因放在兩人無法相處下去的事實，否則對方會覺得自己可以改變，落入討價還價的狀況，」陳韺說。

萊特建議，不管是當面說分手或打電話、寫信，最好直截了當講出重點，切忌猶豫不決。

例如：「你有很多很棒的特質，我們的關係也還算可以，但我總覺得少了什麼。」「謝謝你所投入的時間，但我不想再繼續這段關係了。」

如果你的伴侶易怒或有攻擊傾向，提分手時可請長輩或好友在場，以維護自身安全，或報警處理。

一旦說出口，就自動隔離：不要為了讓自己好過而主動關懷，加深對方迷惑，「給他需要的空間，可以盡情怨恨你提分手的膽量並忘掉你，」葛瑞哥建議，「那麼有一天也許你們仍會是朋友。」

2.發作期

自救指令：準備好大哭一場

「不管是提分手或被分手，痛是很自然的，不痛表示你根本沒愛過，」劉黎兒強調，所以不要覺得自己很沒用，老老實實承認失戀了，「好好大哭一場反而有益健康。」

「試著把注意力放在當下，」著有《改造親密關係》的心理治療師柯奈爾提醒，「接納你的負面情緒，但不要相信它，」他表示，「你不會因此無法再墜入愛河或虛度往後的情人節，你仍然擁有愛的能力，沒有人可以奪走。」

這時也是最需要「分手護法」的時候，「尤其是肯定自己的朋友，」劉黎兒說，戀愛時往往會遷就對方失去自己的世界，分手後便覺得遭到全盤否定，如果能向知心朋友傾訴、吃吃喝喝，逐漸恢復原有的世界，發現真正的自己，「就很容易開始新的衝刺。」

以下行動將有助於你度過最難熬的分手初期：

向前走，斷得乾乾淨淨。

不要打電話、寫e-mail、發簡訊，或像個跟蹤狂想知道他的近況，「既然是他提出分手，你也毋須裝出殉難者的樣子想把他要回來，這只會讓你感到更悲哀，」《分手圖存記》作者黛芬妮‧赫許指出。

換手機門號或搬家：

不但能有新氣象，還能藉著通知新門號或地址開啟新的機緣。

寄還屬於對方的東西。

將照片、情書、禮物等紀念品打包收起來。

儘可能保持正常作息。

雖然可能吃不下睡不著沒力氣工作，但愈脫離生活常軌，愈讓你有機會想起他（她）。現在正是建立新的行程表和安排活動的好機會。

改變造型。

換個新髮型，買幾件新衣服。

當你有「當他做……時真是可愛」的念頭時

立即轉換成「當他做……實在可恨」。

開始運動課程

不管瑜伽、騎腳踏車、上健身房都好。運動能緩解緊繃的情緒，轉移注意力，使身心更有能量對抗失落。

最後一封情書：

寫下你所有的想法和感覺，對著空椅子把它唸出來，但別寄出去！

每天寫下3件值得感謝的事，不要重複。

你會發現自己的人生仍充滿美好。

找出適當的發洩管道。

不管是靜坐、散步或打枕頭（ 或乾脆開始你的拳擊有氧課！）。

如果出現藥物濫用或飲酒過量等失控行為，

立刻尋求專業醫師協助。

3.療癒期

自救指令：誰說一定要有他

現在你已不再歇斯底里，逐漸承認一切不能回頭，心底卻還希望改寫你倆的劇本；或者擔憂找不到真命天子而後悔甩了他。

通常會覺得分手慘痛，往往是因為依賴對方太深而沒有自己，「一定要體認分手後世界真是海闊天空，」劉黎兒指出，反而該勇於嘗試沒做過的事，建立新的價值觀和自信，也有益日後的愛情路，以免因為傷痛就認定天下男人一般黑，再也沒有人能欣賞自己。

「要真愛來臨，不是只靠認識異性就可以，必須靠你自己，讓你的生活豐富有趣，」黛芬妮認為，享受獨處、探索自己的生命願景，「你會變得更寬容也更有智慧，未來絕對會比現在更好。」

以下是重新充電，勇敢再愛的秘訣：

為別人付出、散佈你的愛，例如到醫院、非營利組織做義工。

幫助需要的人，能讓你遠離煩惱，並且充滿成就感。

寵愛自己。

不管是做SPA、送自己禮物、鮮花或是計劃一場旅行。

養隻寵物。

寵物能給人無盡的愛與重視，如果你住的地方無法養寵物，可以當朋友的寵物保母或到動物保護組織當義工。

準備一本日記。

寫下你所學到的經驗，及在這段破裂的感情中你所扮演的角色（即使深信自己是無辜的，你仍有需要負責的部份），如此可避免未來重蹈覆轍。

花時間與關愛你、能沖淡你寂寞的親友相處。

設定這段時間將是人生全新的一章。

探索你的熱情，找出你遲遲沒追求的夢想，擬出計劃執行，不管是創業、回學校唸書、寫一本書或自己的部落格。

4.重生期

自救指令：你可以找到更好的他（她）

分手雖可提升戀愛力，卻也沒有人願意一而再地經歷失敗。預防分手很難，不過如果選擇的對象有以下特徵，你可能特別容易走到愛情的盡頭。

哪種戀人不長久：

自戀型：

這種人是和自己戀愛，「找個對象來配合演出這場愛自己的戲，」陳韺指出，他們通常很自傲，習慣操控別人，甚至會使用暴力、威嚇手段不准對方離開。

暴起暴落型：

情緒不穩定，很容易發怒，好壞可能判若兩人，例如施暴過後又下跪請求原諒等等。

你追我跑型：

這種人其實是恐懼兩性關係，看似要求親密，一旦太靠近他又會覺得窒息而退縮，無法給人安全感。

猛烈追求型：

他們會死纏爛打，曲解對方的訊息，遭到拒絕反而更加緊追求，並衍生強烈的佔有欲。

完美主義型：

他們會在親密關係中設定高不可攀的標準，像個糾察隊希望把對方變完美，和這樣的人在一起，很容易動輒得咎、如履薄冰。

萬能的拯救者：

這種人老是對弱者有興趣，會傳達訊息：「我比你行。」

當你發現伴侶並非你所期待的那一型，不要自以為能感化對方，記住你不是上帝！

愛情不可能徹底改變他的人格特質，除非他自己願意。

每次在网上遇到人问：How's your life at there? 我就会顿了下，然后回答说还好带过。
其实我真的还好。虽有陷入困境的时候，虽有发泄种种的不愉快的时候，虽有带给大家我好像没有过的很好的感觉，不过我很感恩。我感恩似乎没有一件难事是我度不过的。我很感恩我会很尽力的放过我自己，走出魔鬼的陷阱。

回头看一看，细数不完的恩典。

妈的忧郁症练就我独立的个性。
与爸的不合练就我学习包容，学习接受。
Stanley的交往是种种让我学习的反面教材。
Stanley的过世是我对原谅的一个领悟。原谅要及时。
他让我体会到什么是活在当下，学习把握不让自己后悔，学习不求回报的付出。
Jon提升我的独立兼思考能力。我感恩从他所学的自信，以及发掘了我一些内在的潜能，多了份勇气去思考自己所害怕的那一部分，切切的把自己完全从内心活出来。同时也发觉男女之间不能一直单方面的付出，应该要双向的，推翻了我从Stanley哪儿学来的不求回报，其实那只会害了双方。他在最后也让我知道上帝，友情及亲情的重要。没有了他，我赢回了多么多的友谊，我赢了家人的支持，我不知不觉也赢回了上帝的信心。

这些的人生经验当然也为我种下了很多的阴影，及免疫。有好有坏的。不过这不就是人生吗？错了再学，学了错了再学。学习功课是永远学不完的。我要紧记的是这属世的永远不是我的最终。我也知道我还是会在生活上遇到打击，可是我知道我会痛，可我不苦，我有盼望。我的盼望是无限的天国。我真的很感恩我有着这一份上帝给的盼望一路扶持着我。我好想把这一份我的经历带给我的朋友们，可是我发觉不是每一个人都能像我一样，所领悟的，所经历的完全不一样。

我看到朋友家庭痛苦的问题，我无能为力。我的心好痛。我不敢说我的信心很大，可是我要她的信心大过我。我要她至少不要一点一滴放弃对上帝的信心。我要她一样能看得到盼望，一样的能有信心的咬紧牙关撑下去。基督的道路不好走，历史也记载了，耶稣就是在没有所谓世属所说的自由，快乐过下去，反而是牺牲了自己。我不敢肯定你的痛苦会中断吗如果你继续跟随神，因为神不是透过给我们好过的生活管教我们。反而是要教导我们怎样在痛苦中仍然有一颗喜乐盼望的心过我们的生活。似乎听起来很疯狂，很不实际。可是这就是事实。祂给予的是内在的平安，就好比屋外狂风暴雨，你呆在家非常平安的稳睡；不是世属的外在平安，就好比屋外风平浪静，你呆在家里非常恐慌随时有人突袭或灾难。内在的平安才是我们要向往的。
对你有份感激，因为你带领我走出了人生其中一段的黑暗期。所以我对你始终有一份温馨的负担。是不是像我说的我过来这里是上帝的安排来陪伴扶持你呢？我没有答案。我不能亲身担当你的痛苦，不过我谅解你的苦。加油啊sharon。我很需要你。

我也为你很担忧。同样的我不能肯定你对神的盼望与信心会让你完全复原吗。或许保持原状，或许更糟。似乎在你最巅峰的时候，在你生命里掀起了个大涟漪。这样的痛我没有经历过，或许我不能100份的谅解，不过我非常清楚那不好受。不过我真的为你很感恩，很感恩你身边的家人，朋友，同事们种种的精神上或看得到的关心，很感恩你的工作，很感恩你有温馨的家，很感恩你的内在的孝顺。这些是没有任何人或事能夺去的。我不晓得神为什么在这个时候给你这个考验，没人知。不过我敢肯定的是你不会白白受这些苦的。在未来的某一天，你会知道的。你也一定会很感恩的，前提是你会懂得感恩何来。学习聆听感受现在你的生活，不要以一颗不顺服的心，你会听到生活有东西要教你。老套一句，你还没断气，生活都得过，你要过苦或过乐，你的选择。不需要与别人比较了，比不出什么未然的。别人的苦你也永远不晓得，你的苦别人也永远不晓得。太留恋世属的有时过的真的很痛苦。不如把盼望放在不远处的天国，以后，大家都会在哪儿相遇的，那里什么苦痛都没有，唯有无尽的快乐与诗歌。

有需要时，大家随时都在，你的坚持是最重要的，而你那坚持的源头是源源不息的上帝，祂永远不缺乏的。

This is the 1st time i read over the 6 pages letter than i sent to him. It doesn't hurt like last time anymore. But still made my tears well up. What makes me do this? Because i have meet up a guy recently. Kinda ironic, he's like my character last time in previous relationship. And i'm afraid he would get hurt like me. Though i told him about my worries.  But the past kept haunting me. And we are so far the distance. How am i gonna explain all this to him. I wish i could let him know all my pass so that he could understand me more. But there are too much i need to tell then. And i'm not sure do i need to let him know every detail? I don't want him to feel like i used to be so pity, in my relationship. Like what everyone would says. But i hate to be not truly been known, by him. I want him to know everything, again, i don't dare. Too many to concern. One think that shocked me is i'm afraid not been trusted again. I really afraid he don't trust me like what he did, when i did try my best to tell everything and hoping it would be appreciated, then he making me badly disappointed. I so don't wanna dig back all the bad ones...

It's not the time to let you read this.

很怕麻烦的我真的很讨厌麻烦。
为什么人那么麻烦？干嘛那么多想法？干嘛那么多情绪？
天哪！！如果我把那些用在应付这些麻烦的东西上的时间给分一点出来，我会空闲很多很多的。
真的很生闷气。
就说嘛，多一个人，多一份顾忌。干嘛没事找事做？
这是为什么呢？

因为我看到希望。


那既然已经决定了就不要再犹豫。何必呢？明知每个决定都得付出它的代价.你又是不是想反悔？要就快，不要拖拖拉拉的，真烦人!

一切好时就很好，一有问题就很不好，我就不再是理智的我了。每每都这样！很会生闷气。天哪！我怎么那么幼稚啊～

I used to dream to build myself a Christian family. Cause i see a lot of Christian background's friends, there are like so different with the others. The way they think, they talk, they always considerable, they are patient, they seems don't tell lies.

Then i made friends with Christian. Some are indeed like what i assumed. But some are not.There are Christian who told lies. Terrible lies. And what i hate the most is they abused their Christianity to fulfill their own desires.

For me, Christian background is still good. If you are not then don't pretend you are. I am most welcome to those who are willing to open their heart and to accept who they really are. I'm more to enjoy having partner to learn from each other towards the route to heaven. I'm not perfect either.  

Thanks for praying for us.
This is the 1st time i had someone praying for wisdom to talk to each other, which i thought of doing it long time ago, but with no one.
And thanks for accepting my honesty to share with you my worries when you were in the hard time too.
Thank you for taking the initiative to work it out instead of turning off.
And thank God that you have lots of life experiences to teach me life, especially in working.
Thank you for reminding me how wonderful i could be.
Thanks for understanding my fears.
Thank you for no pressure.

You have no idea what have you did to walk me out of shadow.
I guess one day you'll know.

Getting over to the roommate thing. Not frustrated anymore. Accepting the truth. 

So next month definitely i'll move.

Just i haven't got a place to rent yet. 

Have a option with a shareroom. 4 ppl still, including me, that would be 3 Malaysian and 1 China gal. 

The renter is affordable, but one think i care most is there is no internet access. 

Still figure it out see got any other room...

Dear my lovely readers

I had just imported my other blog to here.

Due to me lacking of time to manage 2 blogs, so i make up my mind to move the posts there to here and delete the other one.

Those posts fit in according to their date of posting so i can't let you all read it by the 1st time. If you have time then i don't mind you go dig and look for it. There are not many, just 30+ posts.

And some of them are quite sad, frankly speaking. Shhhhi...keep it between you and me ya.

Mix feeling.

I need to move after May. Viewing a room today which i don prefer much. There is no internet access, the ceiling is so low, making the room so hot. 4 ppl in a room again, and the room is smaller than my recently one. The price is very cheap, but for comfortability, i don see any. Except it is nearer to my working place. Kinda sick of adapting new place again. Finding the right route to go and back again. Looking for the right food to feed myself. Remembering the new bus no. and all the stations.

JL is a nice person. I hope i wasn't wrong. All i want is sincerity. No more skills, no more flowery imagination, no more one side sacrificing, no more lies, no more self deceit. All i want is practical truth. Someone that i can rely on for the rest of my life. Someone that God has prepare for me, perfectly fitting me. Someone that i can give a hand to hold him for the rest of his life too. I would like to be yours then.

Happy mother's day! i love mommy! She is the best leader that had ever appeared in my life. although she might be wrong at times. she's still flawless for me.

Most of all, i love you Ping Ping!!

I am trying to accept the truth that nothing's gonna change the situation now. 

I just need to move on in a positive way no matter what.

I pause and cry when i couldn't cope with.

I called, text, email to friends to tell them how i felt. 

Trying to find a balance.

I'm not going to complain about my job here anymore.

Unless something interesting enough for me to share with.

So goodbye you selfish moron!

I knelt to pray but not for long,  

I had too much to do. 

I had to hurry and get to work  

For bills would soon be due.  

So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,  

And jumped up off my knees.  

My Christian duty was now done  

My soul could rest at ease.  

All day long I had no time  

To spread a word of cheer.  

No time to speak of Christ to friends,  

They'd laugh at me I'd fear.  

No time, no time, too much to do,  

That was my constant cry,  

No time to give to souls in need  

But at last the time, the time to die.  

I went before the Lord,  

I came, I stood with downcast eyes.  

For in his hands God held a book;  

It was the book of life.  

God looked into his book and said  

"Your name I cannot find.  

I once was going to write it down...  

But never found the time"  

All My Love & Prayers,
Pastor Allen

我终于明白很多的为什么。

为什么那些以前很虔诚的，很热衷于教会活动的，当离家背景时，总会冷淡下来。

是个借口，以前的我会这么说。

今天的我还是说这是个借口，只不过多了份了解及体谅。

好像很久很久没有好好歇着了。

睡不着好像是过去词了，现在每晚都睡得着了。

只是都是累着睡着。

新的被子是多么好抱，可没时间留恋享受。

每天天黑黑起来，天黑黑到家。

JB路程挤得好怕，好想吐。

等也等怕了。耐心倒是磨得有些心得。

无奈变成习惯。甚至是麻木。

不懂怎样说，不说了。

我讨厌自私的人。