Jason’s cat is sick. Vet diagnosed that the cat is having bladder stones. The cat has been hospitalized for few days. I think that it is ridiculous to cure a cat which has bladder stones. I knew I was wrong. Animal has life too. But when I was a child, whenever my dogs got sick, my parents would not do anything for them. When I grew older, only then they started to have the knowledge of “vet can heals animals”. Time by time, we would nagged them too when they ignore our sick’s dogs.

Jason told me last night that his cat squatted but couldn’t pee or shit. That reminds me of my dog. I couldn’t recall his name. It was heart aching when 1 after 1 my dogs leaving me. He couldn’t shit too that time. Until very long time then only my mom brought him to vet and vet said that he couldn’t excrete normally, kinda like constipation. Vet only gave us some medicine and advised us to feed him some oats I think, to ease his digestion or smooth his excretion. But that didn’t help much. Till he had came out a lump at the back of his body, it was all his shit, I know. He couldn’t get rid of it. Day after day, he became weaker and weaker. At last he died, far away at the corner of the fence. He was found by me on Sunday when I skipped for church service to do my revision. It was mixing feeling. I was sad for his leaving. So hard to let go. But at the same time I felt release cause he finally could get rid of the suffering.

So I told Jason just now that how good to be his pet. If my dogs were keep under him, maybe they are still alive.

The different between it is a lot of people think that animal is just a creature. If they fall sick then just let them wait and died, it is a life cycle after all.  But think again, aren’t we having the same life cycle too as dog? Why is it so reluctant to spend money on treating animals when they fall sick? Why there is so much different reaction on human been and animals??  

My family background taught me a wrong concept. I need to awake and turn to the right one.

Every living life deserves a change to move on. And it is so wonderful to be alive!

数点了好多抱怨后，心不晓得就会比较舒服。
虽然还是有不通的，甚至是根本没舍改变的。
种种的烦乱只会把我推入“惹人厌的角色”。

常常忘了感恩，把不满意的看得太大，所以把自己逼入苦角，苦了自己，真不应该。
回头望望后面的脚印述说了满满的恩典。
不知不觉我来了这也一年多了！！一年了！！这是我之前想都不敢想的。不敢想自己能挨多久，不敢去放大所遇到的种种苦楚。可是就是因为这样我才熬过来到今天！
现下习惯了这里，脑筋就开始要作怪了，开始敢放大声说话，敢反驳对自己不利的。可是这样感恩这两个词就越离越远。

圣经里上帝比喻的小孩是多么让人讨喜。他们过得很单纯，很开心，只要是三餐饱足，有地方遮脚。他们没有忧三忧四的，因为他们那单纯的信心是多么有威力的。

惭愧自己不如。总要想在这世上得到什么，满足什么，拥有什么来衡量快乐。结果根本是什么都没有。

很久前也体验过靠山山会倒，靠人人会跑的经验。唯有祂是唯一不变的。

我在想其实每每遇到一些打击，其实都是祂要帮我补习。或许祂看我欠缺耐心，祂就对此下药，on the job training的教导我，这也是我们当过学生知道，这是让我们学习最快的方法，而且是毕生难忘。

这几天每当心理很烦乱时，祷告似乎起不了什么作用。以为和有关联的人诉一诉会有所帮助，结果好像没什么效果。这就像是两个笨蛋要一起商量些什么，结果出来的也只是笨蛋主意。真的是又气又好笑。

这是篇没有下文也没有关闭的文章。

Am not in a good mood right now.

First, i try to lose my weight. And during the process, i have a lot of battle to fight for. Although others will say i am fine, i look good. But no, that is not what i want. I need to cut down a couple of the kg. And when i feel that i am not good enough, i think i loss some confidence at the same time. That is a bloody shitty feeling. I feel like i can't do much and i shouldn't complain either during the process cause i am the one who wants to cut down my weight. I am craving for food although i try to not to think of it. But it needs time for my stomach to get use to super light supper. And all these makes me feel beh song. Don't let me meet up someone who claims he/she is fat yet still not putting any effort to improve it! Imma gonna screw them "FUCK YOU FOR NOT EVEN HAVE A SINGLE ACTION OF CHANGING IT!"

The food i took here always not healthy. I can't cook T.T And what else can i eat in the night time?? i went back the time is around 7 to 7.30. I went either jogging or brisk walk till 8.15. It is so late and outside food where got so small portion?? Taking vegetables only from economic rice stalk? Nothing else left...and those vege always very salty...not healthy. I might as well don't eat. I wish i can just buy vege and simply boil it and add on some mushroom and oyster source, that would be enough for me. And i will be damn happy for that too....Not getting the right food making me very frustrated. What is worst is that i can't help.

Second, due to my bad mood, anything can be trigger out. I haven't wash any of my clothes after my 1 week trip! I didn't do laundry cause i had experiencing my clothes ended up smell like fry fish when owner's family was here and they cook. YES, OUR CLOTHES ARE ALL HANG IN THE TINY KITCHEN. So this time around, they came again, so i wait. My day for laundry are from weekend to Tuesday, cause my roommate is not at home during weekend, so the rest of the day are for her, skipping some of the days where our next door couple will do laundry and the owner's too. I went back on Wednesday and i waited. Last night my roommate didn't do laundry cause the owner did it. Tonight when i was back from work, my roommate still not doing it cause the owner let their done clothes in the washing machine! Ridiculous!! We pay for getting this kinda of self service!!! WTF!

Third, why is it so difficult to watch something??? I have no TV, no nothing but only phone. Yeah...i should be grateful for what i have cause somebody else may not even afford to buy a phone...FUCK YOU when you say this cause you have TV!

Fourth, I am not throwing temper on purpose. It is not wise to say "you don't do that long time already" like i am a psycho patient, normal for a period of time and now recur again. I have a strong sense of auto criticism. Trust me, i am not feeling any better than the rest. I need time off so that i won't do or say things in rush, so that i can figure out what trigger me (which i mentioned above) , and do self reflection on it to help myself.

I am not done yet! When i keep drinking lots of water, i go to pee more frequent. And my place is 1 toilet share with 5 adults and 3 kids. Week days time in the office i am okay. But during night time especially i want to have a last pee before sleep yet i still need to wait and wait!!!! i am so annoying and nothing i can do. During weekend, most of the afternoon time the owner is doing the kitchen cleaning with the use of toilet.....If you were in this situation what will you do? I tell you the faster way to do it is to cut down drinking. No one knows the feeling. People will blame on me why not healthy not drinking water...kns! I never stop drinking water, i just not drink water so frequent like you have nothing to worry when you want to pee! Mind you, I still keep going to toilet and see the owner's black face so often!

Ahah! i feel like so long didn't come in but then check with the last post, it's only a week more =.=
Guess my days were so wonderful everyday here!

My new boss is working good with me. He is much more better than the previous and he is knowledgeable, something that i can learn from him. He is an easy going person, don't have much high ego, easy to approach. The only thing that i sometimes ignored him is his 冲动ness. Ignoring here means when he started to Chong Dong, then i will quick quick shift the topic to the main point and narrow down to the problem that we need to solve. But so far i know he is only show that Chong Dongness to me but not other, so i treat it as a male wants to show off something in front of female.

My brother is jobless so i think he is not really in a nice mood. I think i did nag him over the phone (but all i can remember was i tried to remind him where should he focused on) till he hang up my phone rudely. I was pissed off that time, somemore it was late night and i haven't got back home yet, half way walked to my place. You know when you worried someone but someone use their cold ass to face you that kinda feeling? you really feel sad. I did feel sad. But before i slept that night, i pulled it over. Decided just give him time and pray for him. Man's ego-ness is important for them.

I went to have a 4 days occupational first aid training and it was awesome for me!! First, i learnt. Second, i feel like my friends and my family or people around me can count on me cause i can let them calm if something emergency happened (sendiri siok sendiri, feel like myself very herowoman). Third, i can stay away from my office for 4 days! Forth, it is a life time knowledge!

I brought 4 of my Sibu's friends to Sunday service and fellowship at different times. Looking back, i hate ma fan. I dislike to be distracted to take care of others (short form means selfish) and i hate going back home late. But now i am able to go beyond my limit. I brought them to fellowship with joys and take care of their feelings. i am willing to spend more time in fellowship. Thank God for changing me without my knowledge. And i see myself a happy and blessed girl from their own problems.

My doctor suspecting i am having kidney stone cause i have been experiencing side waist and kidney area pain when peeing. I went for urinary ultrasound last Saturday and the report will be out on coming Tuesday. My mom seemed very calm when i told her. Give thanks for that. And for myself i don't know how to describe the feeling...I went through all the checkup without much fear and not even thought that i am pity cause no one company me.  I thank God for that too. (From the check up things proved that my reading map skill is not improving at all!!! cause i lost the way when i went back from the medical place!!!!) Good things is I don't feel discomfort most of the time and i think i am not anxiously paranoid about how i feel when peeing, which i know some people they get paranoid when suspecting any illness, we called that 心理作用. Will see again the coming result. And my cell leader put this into group prayer, thanks for them, got the real friends feeling at last in Singapore cell group. I know we can't worry and control cause God is leading!

Update: The result was out! Thank God the result is normal!

Thanks my boyfriend for his caring and supporting!

Gonna sleep now..

ME going to Langkawi this coming weekend~ Wuhuuu~~ *i hope i can wear bikini this time*