I started to have headache here.
I pretty hate the China ppl here, especially the way they talk. So loud and noisy.
I didn't sleep well and that put me into dangerous. I feel dizzying all the time.

明天我就要開始我在新加坡的第一份工咯！
感覺好不真實。
兜轉了好久好久。。。

大學沒畢業時有想過去新加坡工作，可是是很微小很微小的聲音。我覺得我沒資格能去得了那兒。覺得自己很爛。

SIA讓我有深入的想過要去新加坡工作。而且那時很瘋狂的既然訂了機票要去KL面試。（想一想也不知我是從哪兒來的勇氣啊！英文又很爛，連他都指出我的弱點是英文不好我還敢去）不過後來面試取消所以沒去的成。我想那時是為了Jon沖昏了頭。（多少是因為他）還好。不過他讓我知道沒有什麼是不可能的。他說過如果他要做一件事或要追一個女孩，他說只要他下了決心要做，他一定會成功的，時間長短而已。其實他影響我蠻多的。得感謝他。是我的教材。我很喜歡學習。我的意思是我很喜歡從別人身上學習好的特質或性格。所以回頭想想，要是沒和他有深入的交往，我可真的不會學到多少。當然他也有值得我學習的反面教材，前提是我要分辨的出來。

畢業後還是有想過去新加坡。可是我還是怕兼他還在沙朥越（我知道我很孬什麼都推說因為他，可是事實是真的是有因為他的成分在）。有和他提過，他非常同意我去（我以為他會不捨什麼的會留我。。kla是我希望他叫我不去那我就可以名鎮言順的孬下去）所以去年就有趕鴨子上架的就打算預備好心看幾時適合去新加坡。而且他學完好他的cello可能也會過去。

呵呵呵。。。

結果日子還沒到我們就沒故事了。

所以當沒了他，新加坡似乎我要一個人扛下來了。很著急就想快快去新加坡（不想聽見任何他的消息，想離開沙朥越，躲他遠遠的）-之前我對朋友否認過，我去新加坡不是因為他是騙人的。
結果，原來我沒有大家想像中那麼堅強。我很慌。那時又有泰國短宣，我又想去。夾在短宣及新加坡之間不能取捨。我印象最深的是在朋友面前蹲在車旁看著教堂的十字架不停的哭。真的那畫面很心疼。（怎麼自己那麼好笑）

後來去了短宣，寫了很長的感言泰北短宣回憶錄

然後終於在新加坡了。

明天開工，我還蠻緊張的叻其實。

願天上的阿爸父能讓我張大眼，拉長耳朵，然我聽見祂要對我說的話，要我看的事物。

I have been good at all times, not drinking cold water. But still, i can't get over it. The stupid period pain still haunting me! And it makes me wanna knock myself on the wall and just faint until my period is over!

回憶是一種埋藏起來的秘密
當你以為你已經忘得一干二淨時
總有些人，事，物把你給拖回去那個記憶
而且是一發不可收拾的把它拾回的一干二楚。

剛看完不能說的秘密
其實看過了
可是就是有它獨特的回憶
所以就著魔似的從一看到終

得到的是什麼？
還是回憶
什麼都還是沒變
回憶卻更仔細，更多了。

最近晚上都睡不好，不能睡。
白天都不敢打盹，就怕誤了晚上睡覺的時間
結果還是一樣。
這幾晚還會發夢，很不安寧。

好想家。
好想狗。
好想做個沒有志氣，沒有目標的人，就這樣簡簡單單糊糊塗塗的過生活。
是不是那樣就會過得很好？

想歸想。
要我做個沒目標的人我可還不願意。
所以我是不可能能簡單下來是嗎？
可我其實真的只想做個有目標的人兼能過簡簡單單平平凡凡的生活。
太多的高高低低只會磨的我越來越銳，很無奈。

都是失眠惹得禍。

 

Thank you very much Mr Braden for making this video clip! A memory that is hardly to be ignored.

I couldn't sleep! Just took the drug for curing my running nose, need some times to get me fall asleep again. Am waiting.....

It was all last night's fault. I took the drowsy drug then sleep for around 12 hrs. Ended up awoke in the afternoon.

Thought it is late enough to sleep but lying on my bed, my mind is swimming here and there and i'm still extremely awake! Plus hungry.  My mind went through a lot of things. Thinking about my hometown, my BM teachers who gave me $ to support me, UNIMAS, Jonathan and how to get rid of him again. Aha!!!! This time got another man. Anthea's friend, who sounds interested on me because of my mata sepet. Just weird. And i talk to Heavenly Father again..about all these and for something unsolved, i asked for answer again.

I'm not old. I'm not in the need to get marry so desperately.
Others are different with me. They have stable mate. They are in love. And they are looking forward to build up a family. They choose to start a new phase of life after they start working half or 1 year.
My career life has just started. I have no one to fall in love with now and i'm not in the mood to do so too. Looking at the wedding photos and video clips, i couldn't see any man's face...it's all blank. But i know i can make the photo stunning by only me inside it.
You know what, no one else can control my life, even me.
I have strong blind faith that He has plans on me. Big plans. And it's definitely the perfect plans for me.
So go away all the useless and pointless temptations. All you have is beautiful surface. That's it. The rest are all diseased.

今天下午去ClarkeQuay辦EP。哪兒的風景好美啊，有條河，很像荷蘭河那種風格。旁邊還有船和救生衣，好像是可以給旅遊客上去的！真的是很美很美啦！
我去的那棟建築物它的lift是可以看外景的。嘻嘻。我怕了。因為外邊就是褐褐色的水流呀流呀的。還好電梯只有我一人。我一進去按了4樓，轉頭一看，嘩！河呀。然後電梯往上移動，我趕緊閉着眼，站到靠近電梯大門旁，不敢看後面的玻璃，很怕，可是又很想看風景，又偷偷往後面偷瞄。還好不是很高，還可以。慢慢看就沒那麼怕了。

沒來由的對高的恐懼讓我想起海盜船。或許海盜船可以幫忙克服怕高吧。
wei li，快點plan去旅行啦！我要去冒險去。也只有你們的半推半就下，我會敢往高跑。

生病咯！
我第一次在新加坡生病叻！
每每生病能夠把我從小煩惱裡給拉出來！（當然不能病昏去的那種！）
鼻塞。。好不想睡冷氣。。
冷氣在熱天是好的。可是晚上睡覺如果沒開就更好！
皮膚會干，嘴唇會干，會睡到天昏地暗（因為窗簾是關緊緊的），空氣不流通（如果有人用噴腋下止汗霧，我會被熏醒）
當然人健健康康是最好的啦，什麼都能應付得了！

我下個月會回家哦～超開心的^^

How nice if got direct flight from Singapore to Sibu....
I am checking for the ticket to go back to Sibu this year. I only can take Airasia from JB to Sibu and the seat is very limited. MAS is damn expensive. TigerAirway no direct flight also.

I wish there is directly flight lo. And affordable one.

Shopping homed. Actually i was helping my roommate to do the shopping job. Well, she's gonna go to Taiwan tomorrow and just now she asked me to join her to do shopping. I knew it that she just want me to help her keep an eyes on her clothes choosing.

BINGO when i reached there!

I found out that girls normally like shopping with a bunch of girlfriends. what for i wanna ask? You are the one who wanna buy clothes, not others! In the end i have to look for the clothes for you. I don't mind to look for you but please at least let me know what kinda style you want! I don't even know your taste! Of course i will try to look for something easy to match one and simple style (is my style), then turned out you said no no no...this is not my style.
The thing is YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S YOUR STYLE!

I think girls should learn to enjoy themselves shopping alone before thinking of going out with a group of friends. Why? Because only by that, they will know exactly what they want, but not just randomly go for every shops looking for nothing!

Don't tell me that you feel awful to shop alone or you would rather stay home if want you to go shopping alone!! Cause i'll tell you just stay at home la like that!

Lately, my mood is swinging here and there like a roller coaster. But at least i'm conscious!!!!

Shit! someone's doing cooking.....I can't tahan the smell la!!!!! So hungry....i miss the time i can simply cook whatever i want.

Really so hungry la!!!!!

Need to wait my roommateS finished bathing baru we go out eat...If not i agreed to go shop with them, i'm now sure enjoying my dinner ! (Why get hungry so early? cause i only had munchy biscuits for my lunch!!!!)
People here really li hai....they simply have only 2 meals a day nia...How they tahan arr??? But still they are not that slim wor @.@

I am SUPER DUPER HUNGRY!!!!!!!!

心很酸，很難受。他在巴厘島。我們在一起時，我是多麼渴望去這些地方。
我是多麼多麼的喜歡你。喜歡到我要逼自己放下你，讓你過你要的日子。還是想把握住你的心逼得我時不時找罪受。逃避一直是我不欣賞的做法，可是我寧願能逃避你的一切。封鎖你的一切。不想去知道你的一切。不想也不要了。還是要哭的，哭過了才會好。我還是要放你走你要走的路。要記住他說的：

“你覺得你還有什麼值得我留在你身邊？你就是那麼的自私，想要什麼就做什麼，沒有想過別人，你就只想著現在，從不想長遠的！”

這些話足夠我打醒自己不要再做夢了！

If i were to die tomorrow, what would i do? (randomly write down, evenness, no numbering order)

I'll tell Jonathan that i still love him no matter what he did to me.

I'll tell mom and daddy tat i never stop loving them even though i have lots of complain about them.

I'm gonna hug as many dogs or puppies as i can.

I'm gonna tell Sharon that she deserves a good man, that good man must have done great things to have himself a partner like her. So caring, so giving.

I'm gonna tell my brother that is okay with if he doesn't have any girlfriend cause sometimes woman is a disaster.

I'm gonna tell Swee King that she is amazing! You are just the mother-in-law-like-type. Am pretty sure you can get a good one. So don't feel like you are the left over or age too old things. These all are ridiculous nonsense.

I'll tell miao miao to go and fix his tooth. And put on confidence and tell the KL-study-gal that you like her.

I'll tell nana that you are always my special junior. You made me feel loved.

I'll tell Wei Li that he is a cute guy and someone who i love to be with around. Get yourself a gal that provided from Him only when you are ready.

I'll tell Jin Yi and Ming Leong, prove us what is true love and show us as role model.

I'll tell Ah bai that i miss him. I should have appreciate his naughtiness for brighten my many days.

I'll tell David that everyone has their own story. Do not compare with others.

I'll tell Agnes that everything's gonna be fine. I am so grateful to know you and is my pleasure to be your driver for our early Malay Sunday School involvement. It starts our friendship.

I'll tell Irence that you are my childhood idol.

I'll tell Angel she can be a good housekeeper (housewife). So you deserve to pick the master.

I think i'm gonna fly back to Sibu and hug mickey until i am die.

See....i'm not so addicted to material items right? At least i put family, friends, lovers and dogs in priority.

And one more thing, i think i'll be happy cause i'll be going to Heaven where hymns are everywhere. And i'm free from the sinful world. By that time, no more tears, fears, worries or bitterness!

Last night i did not sleep well. The other 2 roommates were really internet geek!
I slept on the top yet the light was still on, how am i supposed to sleep then?
I didn't sleep early, it was 10 something at night time.
Freak la you gals!
One even held the microphone to sing k with her internet mate!!! Gosh! Yea, this is the 1st time i saw someone sing k with the net friends. Can you imagine while i was sitting in front of the mirror drying my hair, she was singing at my back, not paiseh at all, just sang like tat! And still doing so when she knew that i was on bed!
Nightmare....
Come on, make me committed to my job ASAP.
The stupid clinic mailed my medical report which took 3 days to reach the company! Shit, why don't just call me and ask me to send them! i need to wait for another 1 week!!!!!!

Outing today with Life Church fellowship group!
We went to Marina barrage to play kites!
I did not have camera...so i took some photos from website^^

And this building is freaking awesome!!!!
The 2nd photo is the on top view! So romantic la!!!!!! But so scare if i were on top T.T

Feel like a zombie here. I'm not racist. Just when you are not in any good mood and people around keep on talking non stop. And their accent really so annoying, so noisy!

I know i know... I used to be so bahagia in Sibu. And now i need to learn to live with other people. I need to LEARN!

I will survive! Will see!!!!!!

Physically? Mentally? or spiritually tired?

I think 3 of them influencing each other.
1st spiritually not strong enough to uphold me, so mentally i feel like something is missing. Like nothing can satisfied my life. Then physically i would feel tired cause everything seems like not going smoothly or not according to what i want.

Plus there are no friends here. (Except Sharon la but she's always busy and in stress mode) i mean not the 1 that i can truly open up my heart to be with ya. Even though last night i went to have steamboat with my roommate and the food were to die for and the journey was fun but still i think that the people are not right. Building up a new strong friendship is not easy. Not to say relationship of course. When i was enjoying my steamboat, i would think "how nice if xxx can be here to enjoy the food with me. And that would be fun enough for us." "And we could go and explore those nasty shop selling those adult's arousing devices...of course for fun and curiosity.

And be here i have to be careful all the time to not putting myself into any temptations. And people here too. Need to have wisdom to make friends here. So life is much more complicated than previous 1, need to be watchful all the time.

Suck!

Please go away from my life.
I can't take it. I wish i have never met with you before.
I am ok to deal with any obstacles in my life but you're the only exception.

I am free today^^ So nice the feeling.
So i engaged myself to go online to study Singapore Employment Act.
I found that Singapore's labour law are mostly on the side of employee, not like in Malaysia.
And their laws are all stated clearly, not as vague as Malaysia's laws.
So detail until i couldn't remember all.....

Hmmm...am so so so lazy...
So wanna play with dogs le....

最后一夜

在我出門前一晚，真的很多的不捨。那晚看到媽眼睛紅紅的，而且那晚我又和朋友出去晚餐，十點多才回來，很惋惜沒能與家人有更多的溝通。出發去機場那天，媽不送機，就爸送我去機場。到機場打回家媽既然去了巴剎買菜！當下心很揪，怕她是要逼自己忙來抵擋不捨。

在詩巫機場遇到了Stanley的好友。想給他個微笑，他卻對我視而不見。怕是還在怪我吧。如果stanley在的話，他一定很高興我能去新加坡。應該他也沒想到吧。之前把我和他的照片給洗了出來，被媽看到，她既然罵我笨還不能放下他，把照片給撕了。我根本就沒舍了，就是他本來就是我生命裡曾經的一部分啊，想說以後我可以和我的子孫說說我的情史，蠻有趣下的。我也洗了宋的與他前女友的，而且我還選了最親密的一張。告訴我自己，他也有曾經，是我不計較。是種自我安撫吧。

搭機沒舍趣事，就一直禱告希望我大大又重重的行李不會被機場的人給摔壞。還有上機前跟詩巫說，“我走了，等我啊！我會回來的！”

在古晉機場一個人吃了McD早餐，等著wei們來載我。驚訝收到宋的sms。不知所措趕快打了電話給angel問她怎樣，眼淚都給擠了出來，不曉得為了舍。果然見了他我的心情就毀了。還好有wei和honey們陪我吃吃喝喝的，看到他們吃得那麼開心 ，心也溫暖起來。回到牧師家一個人，收到消息日本海嘯。心裡更慌。慌自己怎麼不多關心下該關心的，而去理那些亂七八糟的情緒。整個人好藍哦當下。打給angel發洩了下，哭著說出自己怎麼那麼的沒用，那麼容易被他左右。她還真的不賴下，三倆下就把我搞定了，再加上她的讚美鼓勵下，一直跟我說我的好，整個人飄上天，心情終於通了。然後就自己一個人走路去附近打包吃的，還是很享受一個人的漫步。還是有很多美好的事等著我去體會。晚上wei們特別帶我去UNIMAS的遊樂園,在半推半就下陪他們坐了海盜船。心裡是怕得很，不過自己一個人都敢闖新加坡了，怎麼可能會被個高度給嚇壞呢！結果後來還被wei騙到最後一排把我放在他們中間。還不錯下至少還會保護我把我放在中間。還是給嚇壞了最後，喊到沒聲去。我發覺我是可以減少對高的恐懼感，只要我身旁有人陪和我擠得緊緊的。晚上開車回牧師家既然給我迷路！真的自己都覺得很好笑。Anyway, a fruitful day for me^^

第二天在古晉機場，我既然渴望宋會來送機！結果當然沒有啦。一直調適自己的情緒才讓我自己進去boarding gate，不然一定哭的。在機場有些感傷，怎麼自己就一個人？為什麼我會是一個人？為什麼別人都是一大堆的人送機，為什麼我是如此下場？結果還是得自己調適自己的情緒上飛機。我學到，不要讓自己想一些沒建設性的東西兼悲觀的。真的一點幫助都沒有！還會耽誤自己前面的道路。

之後到新加坡，每天都有新鮮趣事。就一樣沒變，搭地鐵真的很悶。很花時間。很無奈。怎樣善用那段時間呢？還在摸索。

我很感恩在一個星期內我找到工作。一切以前看不到的方向慢慢浮現出來。Abraham的信心真的很重要！

還有我常常會想念smc短宣的朋友，國語主日學的學生及老師，angel和sing sing。很懷念你們的陪伴。

在這裡發現到慢慢我將會非常忙，忙到我只能快快回家睡覺還有去做工。

我祈求上帝用我去完成祂要我做的使命，不要被生活壓力給打敗。還有我的喜樂會一直持續，不會減少！

I think i've find a job here.
Later on i will need to go to that company again to fill up the form for applying permit.
How's the job?
Well, i kinda like the job scope. It's so challenging and it's all brand new for me. And they are willing to teach me in everything!
The only problem now is the place is far away from the place i stayed. 20 stations MRT to there and 20 stations back to my place. It takes me 1.5 hrs to go there and another 1.5 hrs to come back. Imagine how many hrs a day on the road. Need to wait for bus somemore. i really hope that i can tahan for the 1st few months and be joyful on every trips and increase my tolerate level to the highest.

I need to thank for all your supports and prays for me. and let me know that i am not alone along the way.

我是很蒙福的。

The more i struggled to get rid of him, the more times he appeared in my mind. And the more frequent i would feel like why i am so pity?

Why har?

Yea, i know i'm still having crush on him.
At the same time i understand that he is not the right one. 

You see the above 2 statement. Isn't it so contradict?

Then how am i gonna solve that?
The later statement sure cannot change one, then only can change the 1st 1.
But how to control my feeling? Last time the call could last me for almost half year, how bout this time?
Another half year again?

Why God you want me to meet him again in this critical time?
Plus i see no point in why was he telling me all that.
(Maybe he would feel better after telling me all that! Like finally untie his knot!)
But why in the time i thought i could let go of everything liao then he appeared again?
Is there anything that You want to show me?
Is it my mistake to not pray 1st before making the decision instead of following my heart to meet him?

Haiya! so hate for the guys thing! So complicated la you guys!!!!!

Day 2 at Singapore.
Settled with accommodation.
Know how to take the bus to the nearest MRT.
burst out my tears when i met with Sharon.
It felt like finally i got someone that i could rely on.And all the hard works finally got a return by receiving her huge and tight hug.
It took me so much time to reach any of the destinations, and i really not used to it.
Standing in the MRT for almost 30 stations for going and returning, and some more time to wait for the crowded bus to go home.
My poor instinct to get direction forced me to be extremely alert at all the time and tried hard to memorize the building so that i know where and when i should press the bus bell to stop the bus.
Did all the groceries shopping alone at small stall beside my blok.
Grudgingly in this big city.
Becoming an expect in comforting myself.
Am too tired to type out my feeling.

His plan is just the time. Finally we met again. As friend.
I could see how much effort he has put in to contact me. I really really appreciate it.
This is not like him and because of that he surprised me. And i do not like surprise. Not this type.

I hate this feeling. Not knowing how/what exactly should i do. I guess i tried my best, did i?
The situation is not awkward but the feeling is damn bloody awkward.
Now what? What does he expected me to respond? I couldn't see any good for both of us. The only thing i left is the existing crush on him that used to crush my bones and soul in the end of the day and leading me to no way alone.

I have a lot of things to handle and to worry for the rest of 1 or 2 months or maybe longer that that.  I am afraid that i couldn't take it. So i guess i have to let go of this part. Ignoring this section. Let me be the coward this time. Please let me concentrate on my settle down matter and cure my home sick 1st. Before that, i don't wanna get myself into so much troubles again.

I really hate the feeling right now! Perhaps getting sick is a way to get me out of all the mess!

P/s: After i talk to Angel, i released. Why on earth letting he to control my emotion? Who is he to do that? He can't accept me for who i am and can't accept my offer to be my life partner is his lost. It is to be regretted that i can't help you.

黃怡玲

今天是我唯一的死黨結婚日。我很感恩我留下度過你的結婚日。我也沒想到我會那麼有感觸。你是那麼唯一一個陪我度過人生的第一段萌芽的感情。孤僻的我在中學時根本沒有什麼朋友，就你和我最好。鄉下老的我連衣服都不會買，是你帶我買了第一件屬於我自己要的衣服。或許對你沒舍特別,可是對我，那是轉淚點。雖然這段感情沒開花結果，可是當中你的鼓勵，盲目的幫助，很謝謝你。當中就你為了要載我出車禍就讓我一生難忘。很虧欠你對我那麼的好。

當你感情陷入瓶頸時，沒在你身旁。當你渴望想結婚嫁人時，我也對你不理不睬的。

現在你終於結婚了，很為你高興！真的。去年的你是多麼渴望告訴我說你想成家。兜兜轉轉在幾個臭男人之間，終於你結婚了。很多舊時的回憶都一湧而上。現在你我都各自往不同的方向奔跑。不管我們現在各自追求的都不一樣，我好的就是要你過好自己。

看到你媽看見你結婚落淚，我很感觸。她要的只不過女兒有個好歸宿，心裡再多的苦都能坑下。平時兇惡的一面都是裝出來的。她最疼的嘛是你。

今晚有些醉了。想多了。

婚姻要經營的。沒有一生一世的就那麼順利。要好好學習互相包容。老話一句：和你爸一樣，我只要你幸福，沒別的要求。不要被上輩子的人給影響，一定會幸福的。要好好經營！婚姻是一生一世的，選了就是一輩子的了，沒有退路，唯有努力經營好它。多接近神吧，會有很大的安全感的!

一定要幸福咯！
我也會好好加油的!

今天下午和朋友一起吃午餐去。談到關於如何從商。真的不能否認，朋友有過人的意志，年紀輕輕時，腦袋瓜兒想著的不是女人，也不是該去哪間大學，或是讀哪科課程，反而是想著如何做好一門生意。我想像當我在很開心開始一段戀情時，又或者是通宵狂歡，又或者是通宵熬夜趕功課時，他都在為他的生意鋪路，真是慚愧。比一比，自己還真是幼稚蠻久的。他可真是活生生的列子：書讀不高，一樣能賺到錢。改次我要經商可真的要好好指教指教他。

下午唱k唱得很爽下。我一直以來都是音痴。調子也不會看，更不會聽，只會跟着傻傻的唱。從來都不覺得自己能夠在別人面前唱好一首歌。今天給人稱讚了下，真的感覺要飛上天啊～SMC的詩班參與真的幫助到我很多。以前都對自己說唱歌一定要有天分的，現在我敢跟別人說，唱好歌是可以練出來的！我到SG一定會參與詩班的，願我的口能頌贊祂一輩子！

感謝哥一直以來都有那麼大的信心。對任何事都抱著可有可無，沒有什麼事是不能解決的。他讓我學習要交託，不需要把什麼都往身上扛，不需要什麼都要在我掌控當中。有時候在我掌控以外的才是最適合我的。

收到了份很特別的禮物。一位朋友因為我時不時sms聖經經節給他，他既然買下網路上一個軟件好讓我能出國都能免費繼續傳送經節給大家。很謝謝他，也有些理虧。因為自己常常是把我自己需要的經節sms給別人，是以我自己為先，而不是以別人為先。應該是我該感謝他們“聆聽”我的。這位朋友也默默的陪我度過了我很黑暗的時期。友情可以是平平靜靜的栽培，踏踏實實的建立起來的。謝謝你，朋友。

感恩今天有位傳播部的姐妹打算要我做臨時電台DJ.雖然我沒能做到，可是很高興她對我的認同。

今天經痛折磨我不成人形。唯有再吞止痛藥。真的要顧好自己身子，下次出門才不會讓人擔心。自己也沒那麼幸苦。

樓下的小狗一直在哭鬧，真想把它抱上來一起睡覺。

本來我應該是明天出發去新加坡的。想一想，延後些是有理由的。一切都沒什麼眉目。
如果真的是明天出發的話，今晚不曉得是什麼心情？

總是提不起勁去收拾預備。。。
是不想過嗎？？？

是害怕一切的不確定啦。
又懷念這裡的舒服。
怕自己會應付不來。
好孬哦我。。

我的壞脾氣又和爸熬上了。很生氣他為什麼一直要讓我顧慮那麼多。為什麼別人的爸爸似乎好像那麼的完美，可以扛下一切，為什麼我就得要扛下所有？看看男人是什麼？叫我怎樣能對你們有期待與盼望？為什麼那麼多年了我還放不下那麼多不好的陰影？我以為我克服了。可是有事起來，它又會出現在腦海盤旋。

我很氣自己為什麼那麼不能夠控制自己。很氣為什麼又是我？

上帝給我力量讓我終究還是哭著和爸認錯。更告訴他我一切的擔憂，對他發脾氣的原意是什麼。之後心裡也平靜了許多。不管多困難還是要感恩讓我經歷到這所有的一切。

我的脾氣真的很壞，又衝動。
是因為這樣嗎？
所以上帝一直透過我爸來磨練我的脾氣？
一次又一次的。
是不是要將來有一天我才會明白一切？
我不希望一切都太遲。
所以每每都很掙扎。
心裡很不平衡。

......but one that i will never ever give up for anything in the world........

I'm gonna burn all the letters. In case i forgot the painful memory of mine, i put it here to remind myself.

我離開了一年七個月的公司。
一直到最後一天，我才有那種真實感覺“要離開了”，我還蠻慢熱的。
最大的感覺是：我真的離開了，即將往我計劃了幾乎一年的目標去了。
有些慌，有些怕，有些緊張，有些期待，有些不捨這麼舒服的環境。
不過對於這間公司，我真的對同事們沒有很多的不捨，反而對kakak的感覺還比較強烈。
相信誰對我最真我是感覺得到的。
對某位有些不好意思。似乎感覺他喜歡我。
不過他對我的好，我很不舒服。
我對他很冷很冷。
心裡會虧欠，偷偷在心裡對他道歉，“對不起，真的是不對的人，不對的時間，不欣賞的作風。我唯有砍斷所有的機會對你是最好的。”
明晚公司會為我預備個踐行晚餐。我期待食物，美酒，還有對大家的交流。除了他。（聽得出我非常避忌他）

今天為某髮廊拍了宣傳片，外景的被迫下次再拍，因為大雨不停。
剛開始會緊張，把他們嫌我皮膚不好，不能上裝，怕我達不到他們的要求。
不過一切都還好。
化妝師用了很高級的化妝品為我上妝，把瑕疵都給遮掉。後來才懂她是老闆娘。
要我呈現的，我都能做到。(可能有其他髮廊的員工們也不這麼會走。。我很壞心叻。。不過真的因為這樣我比較有信心）
老闆有一直要求給我拍照（之前有一直找我拍poster照我都拒絕），今天就有給拍了一些些。（其實自己還蠻愛拍。。哈哈）效果還不錯，還越拍越high。
後來吃完了午餐，老闆說：樓上還有幾件衣服，不如再換幾套拍拍？
幸好ah Beng 為我擋下。（基本上我是收費拍宣傳片的，而且他們也沒讓我知道到底是多少。如果是要我拍他上次說所的poster照，應該也需把條件講好，而不是這麼臨時的要我半推半就的）當下感覺有種要被騙的感覺。心裡很不安。等我把外景的拍完了，一切就一個了斷。
（P/s 看看能要求他們為我免費修髮嗎？ 嘻嘻嘻。。沒辦法，最近手頭很緊，什麼都的省）

告訴大家，廣告真的都是騙人的。起碼誇大產品的好。一切在鏡頭里的都是修飾過的。看到了醜陋商業化的一面，讓我眼界大開。消費者真的要精明自己！還有，我真的不適合模特兒這行，我的脾氣和性格不怎麼適合。感恩讓我接觸到，讓我能免疫它的誘惑。 （我參與是為了好奇心+沒試過+又有錢拿）

現在是晚上10.24pm。我不需要趕自己上床睡覺，感覺好自由哦。我真的要好好的享受這兩個禮拜的休息，不應該憂慮這個，憂慮那個的。 因為我有靠山！那就是耶穌基督！