生病

好久没生病了。前阵子一直很渴望生病的，偏偏细菌就不爱我。现在当我最不能生病时，它来骚扰我。 头昏脑涨的，很不是滋味。手下的工被逼停掉一些。也许是时候安排我的优先次序了，一直都把什么都栏上身，什么都不放心其他人的能力，是要我学习轻重吗？病了很想有人可以给我发牢骚，很想有人给我爱护，很想有人体贴的关怀。。。虽然我还没有很糟。没了主张要去西医还是中医。就好想睡觉，不要发烧的。

Sylvia Pauline

世事难料，载然不同的心情面对着现在的你。
感叹岁月不留人，果真如此心。
唯一没变的还是那颗祝福的心。

Young lady

If it was raining outside, and you were the kid who barely afford to have an umbrella, then you have to run fast. Faster than any other out there.

A young lady came for an interview. She said she is now working with his father, selling fish. Sending those fishes to supermarket that we always shopped for. She has the bookkeeping qualification, but her previous working experiences did not make her getting more knowledge on account. She worked as clerk, doing all general works. Almost include all the HR, Admin & Account job. But she's just not  capable to be independent in any of it. I asked her what did she expect from this company, she said just simply gave her a job. I feel sorry for her, for not be able to know what did she want. I'm having this situation too long time ago. I feel pity for her. She can deserve something better for herself. If she keeps running with a clear goal.

If you are not brave enough, no one else could do it for you.

Lion city

"Singapore is hopeless."
I started to wonder what my life would be in Singapore, for 2 years. Am i gonna survive at there for such a short period? Am i able to sacrifice so much to work out for my goal? Am i still able to cope with stress in other country with no family and close friends?
life is so unpredictable.

Broken family or unhealthy family

My mom cried in front of me, complaining about how my dad looked down on my brother. Blaming her for spoiling him. I listened to her rationally. I did not cry. She complained that who should she talk to when i am not longer at home. My heart shakes.  My dad scolded each of everyone of us like we were not his children. The phrase "broken family" appeared in my mind tonight. Was i from a broken family? I don't think it counts as broken family. Unhealthy family would be more suitable.

I saved a draft long long time ago at here.  It was about how i felt towards my dad. Obviously it was all about his bad things.  I think i survive pretty good in my family. I'm good in my exams, i successfully went to University and graduated. Though i did not manage to have a high pay now, but at least, i'm not his buah mulut to scold for. Not as frequent as my brother. My brother was not so good in his study. so do my sister. And my dad has the tendency to think that those who score well is the one that can make him proud. Which he never showed to us. Or he never thought that we have anything for him to proud for. I always told my mom, i was used to it. I lie. I know no matter how good i am in lying, i couldn't lie to myself. I'll never use to it. As long as i'm alive, i woud not be able to use to it. Because he is my dad. So i changed mine. I try to be the person that he wants, or at least not to make him angry. In the other word, spoilt him.

But i can't stand the way he treats my mom. To make my mom cries. That would make me think of every guy is as bad as him. I was train to be strong and independent because of them. I don't want to make my mom disappointed, i grew strong. I was cool because i hate guy. I hate my dad. I hate him for making my mom suffered from depression. When i was in primary, i told my mom, i had dad but i felt like i don't have.  This hatred last for very long. Stanley was the 1st person that cure my wound. I was suspecting myself lacking of father's love cause i'm falling in love with someone 8 yrs older than me.  But Jon proved me wrong.

Now i have rearrange my feeling. I know he loves me. But just the way he expressed himself is a bit odd. Sometimes too over. One thing remain the same, he has bad temper. I always told myself, only until i can totally bear his bad temper than is time for me to become someone's wife. I still complain about him , but this time i'll find way and time to talk with him. To let him know that he shouldn't treat us like that. I can imagine how serious the situation when he get old. The 1 who suffer most would be him.

For me, my mom is an angel. Though she don't look like or act like or sound like. But she's the perfect wife. Perfect model as a mom. I love you mom. The way i proved to you is reflected on the way i treat myself.

I know there is something for us to learn. Take heart.

My 1st paycheck as a model

But sacrifices made.

Death

It took him suffering for a week before he was gone. The strong will keep on telling me that "he'll gonna be fine". Whenever my mom said: I think he's not okay. i would reply her: he will be alright, don't listen to other bullshit. I brought veterinary to come and visit him. I called and asked whether can i feed him some liquid glucose. I bought syringe just to feed him egg and glucose, to make sure that he won't suffer starvation even though he did not eat anything. I bought caser to feed him. I bought pedigree to feed him. But he just did not want to eat. His eyes full of pain. The way he looked at me was like telling me he was in pain. He wanted to eat but he couldn't swallow much. He was barely to move. He made no sounds at all for the whole week.  He couldn't excrete. The lower part of his body was swelling. I prayed. I prayed God to cure him if He wants him to be our member still; if He wanna take him back, please take him away, don't make him suffer. A few days later, he was gone. I was still in my office. My mom called and told me he was dead. I had no tear. Or maybe i stopped it. But i felt awful. I just so don't want him to leave me. Why it happened so sudden. I missed the naughty him, everytime making my clothes dirty, he was so in love with people touching him.

As a human being, death is the only thing that dread people away.

TS

Strongly feel that TS would ruin my future.
It makes me wonder.
Doubting about my ability.
They are good friend with irresponsible and enhance laziness.
As HR, i should take action instead of talking bad about them.
But I just lost the enthusiasm to work with them.
Wonder where would they bring us heading to...

Ah BAi

My dog, he is sick.

I wish i can do something for him. 
I wish i can do a lot of things for them.
I wish i can save him.
I wish he can understand my language.
I wish everything will gonna be fine.

我说不出的心情

我能力范围能做的真的太狭窄了。

今天发现鱼缸里浮起了很多鱼，有的还在拼命开关腮，似乎很痛苦的挣扎着，心里很沉重。
自己的无能使自己很烦躁。觉得很亏欠这些鱼，既然把它们集体给养死了。换个水而已就把它们搞成这样。。生命真的很脆弱。

下班回来马上把鱼儿全都移出鱼缸放到面盆里。用水管把鱼缸的水给抽出，看着那些在努力做垂死挣扎的鱼，虽然心有众多的不舍与心痛，我还是硬着心肠把它们抽出鱼缸。当我把胶管靠近那些鱼时，它们还拼命的要挣扎远离被抽出，心里很揪，硬着心，咬牙把胶管往它们身上移。心是痛吗？还是不舍？还是其他感觉，我说不上来。就很不舒服。算来也有被我吸出四五只还没完全死的。当时心想给它们长痛不如短痛。

突然间有个想法，或许它们还有救呢？就像之前在我办公室房间跳出鱼缸的鱼，虽然已经发黑了，放回鱼缸时，也已经是往下沉了，可是不久之后，它还是活过来。那次也是搞到我非常内疚。每每都不再敢把水填太满。
结果我就把鱼儿分了两盘放，一盘是还是活泼乱跳的鱼，一盘是不对劲的鱼儿，游姿都不协调的，撒了些anti chlorine 的药水及一些盐在盆里。完事后，觉得好累好累，也已经三点了，午饭还没吃，很爱睡。赶快扒了些饭就去睡觉。不到半个钟就醒过来了。应该是心里那股不舒服还没散去，不能入眠。

看一看盆里，不对劲的鱼儿开始游姿正常了，而且不晓得那只既然产下鱼宝宝！我告诉我自己，我花了整个下午打捞，清理的工作是值得的。如果我没留下它们，它们或许连活命的机会都没了。就是那一念之差而已。我告诉自己，真的不要做让自己后悔的事，宁愿牺牲自己，也不要放弃那一点点的机会。

傍晚弟回来帮忙把鱼都放回鱼缸（之前因为我不懂换水的细节所以要等我弟放工回来），希望鱼儿都能健康长大，不要再枉死了。

多出来的路

若是神要帶領你走的那一條路正與你意願相反，那就是神警告你，要你把心思意念完全交託給祂，祂要賜給你最大的禮物，就是使你和你的意念與祂的旨意完全合而為一.

曾经经历过自己所要的是与主相反的，可是偏偏固执己见，不愿意顺服。结果真的走了一大圈好辛苦的路途。奇妙的是，虽然我行错了反向，可是祂其实没有让我白白受苦。在这幸苦的路途上，祂藉着我所经历的苦楚告知我很多圣经道理。若我没经历过这些苦，我是永远不会明白及了解这些道理。所以其实我背道而驰的当下，神其实也转了个弯，预备另一条出路给我。最终的目的还是一样的，祂还是要引领我天家的路。我只是多跑了一些路，才回到轨道上。而且是带着一颗更愿意顺服，认错的心来带祂脚前。

「因為主必不永遠丟棄人，主雖使人憂愁還要照祂諸般的戀愛發憐憫，因祂 並不甘心使人受苦，使人憂愁。」（哀3：31-33）

有時候，人會覺得被神丟棄了，好像神不但不垂聽禱告，施恩拯救，反而加增困難，令人受挫折，故意要人受苦，使人憂愁一樣（哀3：1-18）。 初步想起來，這實在令人不解，煩惱不安，但再想一想，我們雖然遭遇許多苦難卻沒有消滅，而且在以往的經歷中，的確看見神有諸般的慈愛、憐憫和恩典（哀3：19-24）。 在現在的試煉，痛苦中，也不能灰心、絕望倒下去，仍然要仰望神，默默等候神的救恩（哀3：24-26）。 因為祂必不永遠丟棄人， 並不甘心使人受苦，使人憂愁。雖然目前的重擔是神所加給的，那有特別的目的。一方面可能是因為罪而受罰，叫我們在受苦的時候，深深省察自己的行為，徹底認罪悔改歸向神。另一方面，是為造就我們，使我們在試煉痛苦中學習許多寶貴的功課，苦難鍛煉我們的品格，是其他任何方法所不能得到的。在苦難中使我們認識世界的虛空，人生的痛苦，同情別人的遭遇。 並且更重要的可以認識神。

Count down from next Monday

The show is going to be on next Monday.
Rehearsal on Sunday.
Meeting their trainer on Saturday.
Having the "spicy dance" on Friday night.
Another training session at studio on Thursday night, plus rehearsal for dance.
Dinner with Disciple group.
Movie tonight